I'll do that again!

I was recently asked by my gentleman caller if I would like to go for a ride with him on his motorcycle. The first thing that popped into my mind was "heck no!" I'm a big chicken. I didn't used to be. I used to be daring, courageous, and not afraid of anything. (since the parents read this, I won't catalogue all the past sins but here are a few) I swam in the Ocoee River in March weather (it was freezing!), ran outside scantily clad in the snow (make of that what you will), and (in the distant past) had my bellybutton pierced . . . blah blah blah. (college was great)

Something about having a child makes you suddenly fear anything remotely exciting. I wasn't sure I was ready for this, but my mom said "go ahead. i think you'll like it" which is the same thing she said about peas and broccoli both of which I hate.

I was nervous. I approached the bike, slightly queasy and wondering if there was any way to gracefully back out of it, but then I reminded myself. "girl, you have a child. you've had major surgery. this'll be nothing in comparison."

My luck is that there's actually no back passenger seat so I'm sitting on a fender. That wasn't exactly super-comfortable, but I managed. The bumps hurt my tushee & it was hard to get comfortable. I kept thinking I was going to slide off the back of the bike when going uphill. Basically, I just didn't know. I was glad I couldn't see the road and didn't know when the curves were coming up. I couldn't imagine riding on the interstate. (like I said . . . chicken)

After a while though, I really started to enjoy it. We stopped for a while, for a break & to stretch out my aching little legs & my feet were numb, I couldn't feel my face, & my butt really hurt, but I have to admit I loved it. I would totally do it all over again. But I think I need to wait a few more days because I'm a little "saddle sore" & I'm really glad I have a padded office chair.

Maybe I'll knit myself a little cushion to sit on. I'll have to finish my current project first though. (it's my new mantra: "finish what you started")

create your own super hero

change the settings to create your own super hero. follow the link to see the super hero I created and then feel free to change it and create your own.

superhero

she likes it!

seems like the blankie fetish won out after all. she's taken a real shine (no pun intended) to her new blankie. she's already chewed some discolored spots on the pink side. when she wants this blankie she says "i want my stars".

she wanted to tuck her bear in on the couch. she then looks at me and says "shhhh. he's asleep" usually she exclaims "he's asleep" in a voice which would wake the dead, but it's the thought that counts.



here she is after having tucked herself in on the couch. she likes having the cotton/flannel stars up against her skin because they're really soft & snuggly.




here, you are being greeted by the usual view from the left side of the couch. she is laying there, leisurely drinking a sippy-cup full of milk. note how the left arm is up in the air. her left hand has bunched up a wad of blankie and she is passing the palm of her hand over it. sometimes she will prop her right ankle up on her left knee and stroke the bottom of her foot with her blankie. it seems kind of weird, but we all have our little strange things that we do. occasionally, she will also bunch up the blankie and rub it across her cheek. i know i used to do that when i was little.

Silly Government Management

unlike the previous post, this is a real memo that we received today via email. some names have been changed (i.e. company name & contact person) to protect our privacy. this is exactly the kind of weirdness that goes on in Government agencies on a daily basis. hello, your employees and poor and unable to afford food, but lets find strange ways to take up their time.

ACME CHESS TOURNAMENT
There will be an ACME open Chess Tournament in the month of August. This is open to all from beginner to master! Matches will be arranged over lunch time. Depending upon the number of entrants we will structure either a random elimination tournament or a round robin contest.

If you are interested, email Gregory Washington (Gregory.D.Washington@fakie.gov) to let him know of your interest. There will not be any fees to enter and this will be a chance to get to know others in the agency.

Welcome to Government Employment

I'm pretty sure the following is not an actual memo, but it reeks of big-business, corporate hooliganism and their attempts to lull you into a false sense of security while sucking out your life's hopes and dreams and leaving you a husk of your former self and wondering why you're mingling with people you don't know and making nonsensical susurrations at mid-day "mixers" and eating food prepared by hands which you do not trust while praying for a break in the conversation so you can make a run back to your desk and hide until time to go home. That having been said . . . enjoy!

Memo: There Are Going To Be Some Pointless Changes Around This Office

By Daniel Wyatt
November 5, 2003 Issue 39•43

All right, everyone, listen up. I have some announcements to make, and they affect all of you. I know that you received the e-mail I sent out, in which I detailed this meeting's agenda. I wanted to meet anyway and go over that e-mail in person, to prevent any misunderstandings. There are going to be some pointless changes around here, folks. The sooner we get used to them, the better off we'll be.

First, there will be no more taking pens directly out of the supply closet. This is not to say that you can no longer have pens, but from now on, we're going to keep track of who's taking what, with a register on the supply-closet door. Please list any supplies you remove from the supply closet on the supply-closet register for at least a week or two. The sheet will get old and tattered, and it will eventually fall off the door. After it gathers dust on the floor for a few days, I will pick it up and file it. This largely unnecessary new measure will be enforced rigidly.

We will also be keeping track of your e-mail. You will find the spreadsheet I made in your in-boxes—from now on, the spreadsheet should be open on your computer at all times. Whenever you send an e-mail, log it into the spreadsheet. At the end of each week, e-mail the completed log to your supervisor. The last item on your list will always document the e-mail to your supervisor. This will be the only entry your supervisor cares enough to check for, so failure to document this e-mail will cast suspicion on your e-mail-record-keeping abilities in general, and may result in disciplinary action, as outlined in your new employee handbook.

Has everyone received the new employee handbook? Good. You should study it thoroughly. In order to drive home the importance of our new rules and guidelines, we will begin a series of personnel orientations this month. The orientations will be conducted by me on a department-by-department basis. That way, the work of an entire department will come to a standstill while I orient it. The orientations will take two full days, so block out your time accordingly.

We've also noticed that the sink is often full of dirty dishes. The only fair way to deal with this problem is for everyone to take turns washing a load. Even those who eat their lunch outside of the department will be expected to volunteer for kitchen duty. Check the calendar to see which week you will need to do kitchen duty, and also which week you will be acting as kitchen-duty manager.

On a more alarming note, we have reason to believe that there have been some abuses of telephone privileges in the office, particularly long-distance privileges. You have each been issued a telephone code. The 14-digit code must be entered to obtain an outside line. This way, we can track phone usage. We anticipate savings of close to $30 each month with this time-consuming new procedure.

Next on the docket: the water cooler. The water cooler will be moved to the back closet. The way the water cooler sits now, it juts out into the hallway. The new location will minimize delays for everyone, except those who need water. You're welcome. If some of the higher-ups had had their way, we would have gotten rid of the cooler altogether. I'm on your side here. I was fighting for you guys on this one.

What else do we have? Lunch hours. Lunch hours will be taken at set times from here on out. You must plan your day around lunch. If work prevents you from taking your lunch at your assigned time, you will have to make other arrangements for eating. Eat a protein bar. Oh, there will be no more eating at your desks, either. And whenever you leave your desk, your outgoing voicemail message should notify callers of your absence. Also, start thinking about whom you would like as a bathroom buddy. I'll explain what this entails at our next meeting.

I think that's all. We'll have monthly departmental meetings to discuss these changes and to hear your ideas on ways to improve efficiency. At least we will for the next couple of months, but we'll probably forget to schedule the meetings after a while. Not like that matters, though, because it isn't as though a single one of your suggestions will have been taken seriously, much less implemented.

Oh, and don't forget that Thursday is crazy-shoes day, so go buy yourself the craziest pair of shoes you can find. Thank you for your attention.

blankie fetish

oh yeah. the munchkin apparently inherited that from me. i remember being 4 years old and this sweet little old lady at church bribing me with a teddy bear "if you promise not to bring your blanket with you to church anymore, i'll give you this teddy bear". i saw only gain there so, of course, i took the deal.

well, now mine's got the blankie problem too. it remembers me of that scene from Mr Mom when Michael Keaton is trying to convince little Kevin to give up the "woobie". he said "one day you'll be strung out on bed spreads and you'll find yourself on the street trying to score an electric blanket" (or something like that)

she gets the least bit sleepy and i hear "get my blankie" and God forbid if we're not equipped with a blankie. so we take a blankie with us everywhere.

she had never been really attached to a particular blankie until the past 6 months when she had to have this one blankie that had fat little angels on one side and shooting stars on the other and it was blue, the material was cotton. it was super cute!

this leads me to her next habit which is chewing on everything that fits in her mouth and some things that don't. she has all of her teeth so this habit is baffling. eventually, she murdered the cherubic blankie by chewing multiple holes in it. she proceeded to stick her fingers through the holes and rip the blankie apart like a freshly gutted rabbit. sickening isn't it?

point 3: i decided to further explore domestic life and sew her a new blanket. i had bought a mini sewing machine on eBay for $35 and had used it for small projects and another failed attempts to sew her a blanket. so i spent my July 4th making her a blankie during her nap.

it has smiling multi-colored stars on one side and pink polka-dots on the other. (she picked the stars herself) the stars are cotton-fleece and the polka-dots are 100% cotton.

she hasn't really formed an opinion of it yet.

. . . and I plot my revenge

Thursday, July 6th, 7:o5 p.m.

As I was recovering from one seriously wicked migraine, I had to come to grips with the fact that my daughter needed a bath. I didn't bathe her the night before because I was too tired and she's not old enough to do it by herself.

We hike up a flight of stairs and I hear the usual delay tactic, "wanna go potty". I say "fine" and hoist my "little" 40lb tike up onto the "potty" while I let the tub fill up with the whole 2 inches of water I let her have. She grabs stuff off the counter and what-not.

I walk way for about 2 seconds to get a new washcloth (because she's finished her round of eye drops for pink-eye on Tuesday and I don't want to inadvertently give it back to her) when I see her standing in the middle of the bathroom floor, naked cheeks and all, looking at the toilet saying "where'd it go?". I said, "where did what go?". Then to my dismay and horror, I notice my tweezers are missing. Okay. Don't panic! 1st: tweezers are expensive. 2nd: tweezers are metal.

I was not about to fetch them right then and there. I did not want her to get the impression that it's okay to stick her hand in the potty. We just broke that habit. We proceeded with the bath, got dressed, dried the hair, and then like magic my mom appears over my shoulder. I briefed her on the situation and she took the little devil while I decided how best to remedy this problem.

So there I was. A 27 year old. Crouching on the floor in front of a toilet and cringing about what I was going to have to do. No gloves. Wouldn't be able to feel the tweezers that way. I shook my head and said under my breath "I can't believe I'm going to do this" and then said "I'm going to get her when she has kids". Revenge planned, I took the plunge, literally. I got my tweezers and plotted about all the noisy toys her kids are going to get and how I'm going to pump them full of chocolate and then send them home.

Dirty deed completed. Arm and tweezers thoroughly scrubbed I went and told my mom about the revenge I had planned. She calmly looked me in the eye and looked and Jubi, who was running in circles around the room and said "I can't tell you how much stuff you and your sister dropped in the toilet."

It makes sense now.

Note to Self

Heather,

You work at a place of employment where the internet is monitored by people who have nothing better to do than sit around all day and talk about "code". For future reference, no matter how tempting it is, never ever ever hit that button at the top of the screen that says "NEXT BLOG".

Yeah, that button. Don't hit that one.

I had the shock of my life yesterday when I accidentally hit that button and I saw a naked woman, kept decent only by the tangle of her limbs, sitting in the middle of a (trailer?) show bus while tipping her cowboy hat (only article of clothing). Well, I hit the red X on the toolbar immediately and prayed that the blip was completely missed and the internet watchers were playing D&D.

I guess I'm okay because my badge scanned this morning and my stuff was not packed up in boxes. I can plead idiocy. Say it was a mistake. I have no idea. I'll just continue to frantically delete my cookies every 2 hours for the rest of my life.

Don't Have A Cow!

Thinking about trying double knitting?

Good luck! It's tough and definitely not for beginners. I would have to say that I attempted to tackle my first double knitting project a little too early. I have been knitting for about 1.5 years and I've made several scarves (cause they're easy) and recently made a poncho for my sister which was entirely of my own design.

I got the foolosh idea to try double knitting because I'd been watching my favorite show on the DIY which is Knitty Gritty and they had done a few episodes with this method and I thought "What the heck! They make it look so easy. I'll give it a go." Wrong, wrong, wrong.

Not easy. Casting on is easy. Second row, HARD! I really wanted to give up. I recommend that anyone who wants to try double knitting for the first time, go with a very simple pattern, or no pattern at all.

I didn't give up though. I double knit my project. I stuck with it.


















If you want to try out this pattern yourself, follow the link below. I kind of did enjoy working on this project and it taught me that I'm even more persistent than I realized.

http://www.countrydoubles.com/cowpattern.html

the pattern calls for black & white, but I used brown & cream