lost voices

i don't know what i'm saying anymore. it's like no one can hear me. i toss my thoughts out onto the wind and i can't catch them as they leave. i'm the only one who cares what i think. i'm the only one who cares how i feel. i can't seem to make anyone happy right now. i don't think anyone cares if i'm happy so i beat myself trying to make them happy. but they're not happy. they scowl at me. they tell me "make this decision now. make that decision now. do this before jubilee gets attached. before jubilee gets hurt." well, you're hurting me. if i'm hurt, how can jubilee be happy? if i'm not happy, how will she ever be? how can no one ever see the pain in my eyes? why can no one ever see that i just want to be alone? you don't know me.
you think 10 minutes here and there with me means that you spend time with me. i may be an "adult", but that doesn't mean i don't need your affection. it doesn't mean i want to spend any less time with you. i spent my childhood with the tv and one week out of the summer with a pool and your books. i hide behind my books because they won't betray me. they don't love me. but they can't leave me.
lately, i feel like i've lost everything all oever again. i can't make anyone happy. i can't make me happy. i can't make you happy. what does it matter anymore? you never see me.