on the upswing

lately, things were feeling pretty bleak. i'll admit it. i've been feeling sorry for myself. THERE . . . I SAID IT! i know that the place my life is at is the place where i've put it. every step i've taken has caused it to end up where it is. that doesn't mean i have to be happy about it.

over the past few weeks i've felt like a wraith. i'm turning to shadows and mist before the eyes of everyone. but they don't see it. i hide my tears by looking at the floor. i cry at my desk. i cry in my car. i cry in the shower. i cry.

i'm angry. i take it out on my daughter. she's in the way. literally & figuratively. i have no life. i'm alone. i don't go out without her and don't go out much with her because she grabs things and cries for toys and shouts "gibbe that!!".

i move through life barely making it one day at a time. hangin onto the monkey bars and i don't know if i can make the swing again. i can feel blisters coming up on my palms and my shoulder joints are starting to ache. what am i going to do?

that's how i felt when i got to work friday 7/28/06 and knew that my parents were going out of town for the weekend and leaving me alone with a mountain of laundry and a sister who would be only somewhat helpful with my daughter and the housework. things didn't just look bleak. they looked downright terrible.

saturday was awful. potty training is not going well and my bundle-of-joy is turning 3 in 23 days. what is the problem? she's intelligent! i'm at a complete loss. i get all blurry just contemplating it.

Sunday, i went to church and it felt like the sermon was specifically for me. the pastor spoke about forgetting about the past and focusing on remembering the promises that God has made you. i have let the past haunt me and drag me down into the darkness and not just leave me there, but sit on me as well. i know that it will always be there. but i can't let it lead my life. i cannot allow it to dictate my moods.

i will daily remind myself of what i heard on Sunday and i will be grateful that i am able to cast my cares upon the Lord (1 Peter 5:7).